I have been a Batman fan as long as I can remember. One of my earliest memories involves me running around in a Batman cape, leaping off of the top of a slippery dip in an attempt to get my little black bat cape to flutter in the wind on the way down. I am told that when I regained consciousness on the way to the hospital the first thing I asked was  “Did I look Like Batman?”. All this is to say that I have spent countless hours engrossed in Batman’s many adventures fighting crime and fixing wrongs in Gotham city, The United States of America and even in outer space.

But Batman was first published in 1939, which means that as well as having been around for over 60 years, Batman was alive and active throughout the 70’s, and no one got out of the 70’s with out a little bit of brain damage.  This has led to more than a few moments that Mr Wayne would rather we all forgot. Lets take a look at 5 stupidest things that Batman has ever done.

Drugs

According to every source ever, the 60’s and 70’s were a wild time, even for the perpetually stoic Batman. No, Batman would never do drugs, I hear you cry. Ok then, can you offer another explanation for some of the Super Villains he faced during that time….

proof-that-batman-does-drugs

Yeah, in order from left to right that’s The Rainbow creature, Kite-Man, and The Calculator. The worst part is that Kite Man and the Calculator actually gave Batman a serious run for his money. You know its time to ease up on the sauce when a dude whose superpower is a hang glider kicks your ass.

The Rainbow Creature as well as a few other of the more ridiculous villains were eventually retconned out, dismissed as a hallucination brought on by Batmans repeated exposure to chemical weapons from his many enemies.

In other words, Batmans drug addled mind was just plain making shit up.

Which actually does go a long way to explaining things like this….

batmancostumes-pink

 

To be fair, there were a lot of lovely camp moments from the early Bronze and Silver ages of Batman, so lets get them out of our system.

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Special Incest Mention

Ok, lastly, before we move on from the early era Batman, we have to give special mention to Catwomans Brother, Karl Kyle, The King of Cats.

Throughout his very special episode ,The King of Cats tries to convince his sister to get back into the crime game, so that they can rule Gotham together. Batman eventually investigates The King of Cats and discovers Catwomans involvement, but she refuses to rat her brother out because he is family. Batman doesn’t know that they are related, which leads him to the conclusion that she loves him, romantically. And with panels like the one below who can blame him.

kiss-me-katut

Why yes, those are little love hearts there emanating from the King of Cats as he roughly grabs his sister.

Eventually Catwoman convinces her brother to stay out of her pants, to “take his medicine” and go to jail, whereupon Batman and Robin discover that the two are actually related and proceed to vomit profusely.

Let Kevin Smith Anywhere Near Him.

Let me preface this by saying that I am a pretty big Kevin Smith fan, but oh man, these have to be by far, by FAR, the worst, most puerile Batman comics in existence.  Throughout these 6 comics, Smith took everything that makes Batman great, and shit all over it from a very great height. Instead of infusing Batman with the intelligent charm of something like Dogma, or Chasing Amy, he settled for piss and dick jokes straight from Jay and Silent Bob.

For example.

Batman pees his pants

 

batman raped

Yeah, he made Batman piss his pants.

But thats not even the worst thing that he did. Smith took this opportunity play out every single one of his own infantile Batman fetishes, thereby ensuring that no one above 13 years old could possibly gather a shred of entertainment from any of these stories.

The Widening Gyre starts out with Batman and Robin fighting a Nazi superhero, moves on to show us just a how good a lover Batman is (10 times in a row!) only to discover that early on in life Bruce Wayne was statutorily raped by a college student. Then Batman starts slapping his lover around because he suspects her of being a robot.  I could not make this shit up if I tried.

Perhaps this quote from Wikipedia might go a long way to explaining this idiocy.

“I’ve been writing this Batman: The Widening Gyre miniseries, and I’m stoned all the time when I’m writing it. And, I swear, I’ll write it, and then, it’s not so much blackout, but forget, so much so that the next morning, I go to read what I wrote, and it’s, like, I’m that cobbler and elves came and wrote it in the night, because I’m, like, “This is better than anything I’ve ever written before.” I mean, like, I’ve done comics, but this is way better.”

That seems to be about as coherent as he gets.

Our last piece of evidence is from our overlord supreme, Google. A simple search for the Worst Batman Comics gives you this suggestion.

kevin smith worst batman

The Evil That Shall Not Be Named

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A movie so bad it almost killed Arnold Schwarzenegger’s career. Yes, thats right, a career that survived Junior, Twins and Jingle All The Way and was thought to be as indestructible as the man himself, took years to recover from this movie, which boasts an impressive 12% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Also, think back to the last time you saw Alicia Silverstone and Chris O”Donnell in anything. Even these 4 sentences are more than I ever wanted to write about this abortion of cinema, so let us move on.

Christian Bale’s Batman Voice

I understand that Mr Nolan was trying to create a dark, gritty, more serious version of Batman than the previous campy movies. But the moment that I heard Christian Bale do his Patty and Selma version of Batman, I giggled like a little school girl. It really offset any kind of development of seriousness that the movies were trying to develop.

(This was supposed to be a parody video mocking Batman’s voice but we were asked to remove it, instead we present Batman in different Movies)

 

Save The Jokers Life

No I’m not talking about simply not letting him fall off a building ala The Dark Knight, I’m talking about Batman going out of his way to save The Jokers life. I’m talking about The Joker: Devil’s advocate. In this story  (Spoilers Ahoy!) The Joker is falsely accused of murder after being set by the husband of one of the Jokers many, many victims, and is subsequently sentenced to death. Batman investigates the crime to find that The Joker is indeed innocent and proceeds go out of his way to gather enough evidence to stop the execution.

What this essentially means is that every single person that The Joker kills here on in, puts blood directly on Batman’s hands as well.

batman is a knobBut Batman doesn’t kill, I hear you say, Batman is all about Justice and the Law. So where is the Justice for the 2000 odd lives that Devils Advocate notes that The Joker has taken? Oh, hes in Jail now, Justice is served. I’m sure the citizens of Gotham City all feel safe now, its not like he has a chronic history of breaking out of maximum security compounds and then murdering people for fun.

But break out and murder he does.

In A Rage in Arkham, released around 6 months after Devils Advocate, the Joker kills an entire classroom of kindergarten children. An entire classroom of children that would be alive today had it not been for Batman’s actions in Devils Advocate.

Oh but Batman’s dogmatic morality means that he cannot let him die, that the letter of the Law must be served. Ok then, can I see your license and registration for the high powered, rocket propelled, armored vehicle that you are driving around Gotham City please Mr Batman. Can we see where you have listed the Bat-Plane in your assets in your tax returns?

Even Gordon and Robin both question the sense of it all, and when Robin starts calling you out on your shit, you know it is time to take a good hard long look at yourself.

batman is a dick

“Its over” Yeah Bats, Im sure the Joker will never ever EVER escape again. Its InconCEIVABLE.

This is not to say that it was entirely out of character for Batman, or that Devils Advocate wasn’t a great story, just to admit that sometimes, every now and then, Batman is a complete and utter f*cking dick.